Gurgan’s Awakening

Posted By on November 30, 2014

This was a story I overheard from Gurgan the Ogre and his buddies after Gurgan looked into a hole.

<Gurgan> HEY. You see hole?

<Duk> yah

<Kibal>yah

<Gurgan> You look in?

<Duk> nah

<Kibal>*shrug*

<Gurgan> Gurgan look in. Dorf call it a-biss. I look in and it look back. It show me things. Gurgan hollow like it.

<Duk> *clueless stare*

<Gurgan> We hollow, like it. Gurgan have no meaning. Dorf have meaning- to dig. Elf have meaning- to hug tree. Gnomes have meaning- to make stuffs. Even Orc have meaning- to make noise when squished.

<Kibal> We have meaning! We eat gobins and move rocks for shinies.

<Gurgan> But why? It not make meaning for Gurgan. Go look in abyss. It look back.

After Gurgan’s friends looked into the hole, they spoke again.

<Duk> We hollow too!

<Kibal> *shakes head in fearful agreement*

<Gurgan> Gurgan knows. Show you hollow make me feel less hollow. I think hard thoughts on hollow. I thinks we need to fill hollow.

<Kibal> Not enough rocks to fill abyss!

<Gurgan> NO, HOLLOW IN OGRES, STUPID.

<Kibal> …

<Duk> …fill hollow with gobins?

<Gugan> No, not Gobins. Gobins not fill hollow. But think hard thoughts- gobins not hollow. Gobins find meaning. They make stuffs like Gnomes.

<Kibal> We make stuff like Gnome, too?

<Gurgan> No… We not make stuffs like Gnome. We do better- we help Gnome make stuffs. We help Dorf dig rocks. We help Elf hug tree. We help orc-

<Duk> But no trees left to hug!

<Gurgan> IT NOT MATTER DUK! What matter is we help. We help and it gives us meaning. It fills hollow.

<Duk> Duk not like hollow in Duk. If help make Duk full, Duk help. Duk even help gobins instead of eating gobins.

<Gurgan> OH- and show others abyss. Humans, orcs, buggybears, dorfs- they not care. Ogres care. Show all ogres abyss and they see they hollow, then they help.

And that’s how the Order of the Abyss was started, a pacifistic religious movement within the Ogre community. Weird, right?

Dear Diary: Worst wakeup ever!

Posted By on January 5, 2013

Dear Diary, I forgot to mention yesterday, while we were meeting our new friends, there was a thump on the roof. The snooty elf (Throatback?) told me to go check it out, so I went upstairs and looked out the window. A hobogoblin was sitting up there and asked me who I was. I asked him who he was, then invited him in for some dinner. I’m guessing he was lost because he looked pretty confused. I didn’t know we didn’t have any dinner, but I was sure the guys downstairs would love to meet him. They’d find something to give him at any rate. I ask him what he’s doing and insist he come in and join me, but he said he was looking for someone else and ran off. It was really weird. If I see him and his friends eat something.

So anyways, last thing I remember was digging and then getting tired and going to sleep. Next thing I know there’s a commotion and this angry skeleton that everyone’s smashing. So I join in and we smash it good.  Good times. Then we finished our tunnel started checking out the new house. The goth chick said she needed some more bodies, but I wasn’t really paying attention, so I decided to get some food. On my way to the bar I see three gnolls come up to me and ask for some coins. Since they smell bad I figure they’re homeless, and don’t want them spending their coins on dwarven floozies, so I offer to buy them lunch. They ordered 30 gold worth of food which pretty much blew my entire life savings, but they seemed thankful.

Now that we have this new house, I figured I’d take them back and they could have it since they were homeless. I get the food to go and tell them to bring it with me. The big guy hits me in the back of the head and starts being an asshole, so I tell him to hold on until we get back to my place. We come into the second house and BAM, ambush! My new friends must have saw the gnoll hit me in the head and decided to teach them a lesson.

After realizing that my friends were sticking up for me, I turn around and club the big asshole gnoll that hit me, then stole one of his teeth. The goth chick tells us to take them to the basement of her house (through the tunnels of course), I’m guessing so she can have sexy time with them. *shrug* whatever floats her goat.

So now we have this great food and everyone’s been digging another tunnel to a 3rd house. As we’re working into the next night, and finishing the tunnel to the 3rd house, these orcs show up with some orags and booze and kick in the door of the second house, unaware that we’d just been there. There was a lot of them, so we snuck into the basement of the second house and watched and listened to them. There was arguing and a fight, then the snooty elf (Tarbork?) played some awesome pranks on them with his “stranger’s hand” magic spell to start playing grabass. That broke up the party pretty quick.

Anyways, half the orcs left, one orag is passed out, and the ones that are left are probably hammered. I’m gonna hammer them more in a moment- with my clubs! I’ll let you know how it goes.

Dear Diary: I finally got a head in life!

Posted By on January 4, 2013

What an exciting day! One moment I was cleaning up after the squirrels when BAM, there it was, a message from Iocus himself!

Follow the elf. Lulz will be had.

I may not be a gnome, but I listen when the gnomish god of chaos and war speaks! Lulz are my 3rd most favorite thing besides clubbing and bacon. So I went looking for an elf to follow around and came across this snooty elf named Thorbak or something who was headed to Barnnows. I’ve never been there but I heard it has lots of critters just waiting to have the candy beat out of them. Anyways I convince Throatbark to let me follow him through displays of puppetry prowess and we head out.

When we get sorta close, I find this head in the road, just sitting there! There was no name on it, so I don’t think anyone owned it, so I put it in my back because someone might want it back. I called him Tony. We dig around more and find the rest of the Tony in the bushes. He has some nice armor, so I ask him if I can have it, and Tony says that’s not a problem, he doesn’t need it anymore.

I feel sorta bad for his friends, so I promise Tony that I’ll find his friends and give them his stuff (except the armor because it’s super sweet).

So Tornbek and I try to sneak into this town because it’s run by assholes. I mission-impossible up the wall and then spend half an hour building a friggen rope harness so I can carry Tartbarks wimpy ass up the wall. Once we get in town we find a bar and find out that pants are not required, but Bowties are- for ogres at least. I ask the bartender who was friends with Tony and he sends us out to some shitheap on the edge of the cemetery. What kinda goon wants to be that close to dead bodies?

So Tony, Torglebunk and I go to the shitheap and knock on the door. Someone yells from upstairs “We don’t want any!”

So I yell back “You don’t want any head?”

In hindsight, that may have been misinterpreted. So we talk to a goth chick and she tells me to just leave Tony out on the yard, presumably so he can get a tan (he was looking pretty pale). I tried to sneak him back in my bag but the stupid hippie elf behind the goth chick shot Tony in the damn forehead. So I put tony on the ground and  the hippie elf says I can at least keep the arrow, which is a win.  Meanwhile Turklebrek and goth chick are talking about how they both seem to enjoy killing the same people, and they say we can chill with them until we find the right chumps to kill.

Next thing I know, Rethlas (the goth chick) has me digging  a cave in her basement. I dig until I get sleepy, and head to bed, which I’m gonna do again right now. I’ll finish more tomrrow.

Novelist Exam

Posted By on January 14, 2012

Oh, I took a test about my writing, I’m not a cheater or anything but here’s my answer.

  1. no
  2. half right.
  3. no
  4. 1/3rd right, but not in this book.
  5. no.
  6. no.
  7. no.
  8. no.
  9. Disguise? no. Unrecognizable? Yes.
  10. no
  11. He was never kind.
  12. no.
  13. no.
  14. no.
  15. no.
  16. no.
  17. no.
  18. no.
  19. no.
  20. no, he’s pissed off and not even in this book.
  21. no.
  22. no.
  23. no.
  24. no.
  25. no.
  26. no.
  27. no.
  28. no.
  29. no.
  30. no.
  31. no.
  32. no.
  33. I plead the fifth.
  34. Yes.
  35. no.
  36. no.
  37. no.
  38. no.
  39. yes.
  40. no.
  41. Do halflings count?
  42. no.
  43. no.
  44. yes.
  45. no.
  46. no.
  47. no.
  48. Possibly.
  49. no.
  50. yes.
  51. no.
  52. no.
  53. no.
  54. no.
  55. no.
  56. no.
  57. no.
  58. no.
  59. no.
  60. no.
  61. no.
  62. …no?
  63. no.
  64. no.
  65. no.
  66. no.
  67. no.
  68. no.
  69. no.
  70. no.
  71. no.
  72. no, but Human tongue is.
  73. no.
  74. I hope not.
  75. done.

U Mad Bro?

Posted By on January 6, 2012

I am not anonymous. I am a pretty pretty princess.

Posted By on December 30, 2011



I got a beta reader!

Posted By on August 7, 2011

Lets me read some o’ the comments:

“If I would’ve paid money for this book, here is where I would probably put it down and left it on a shelf unread.”

Horace! I thought you said you were a good writer! Your thesis? What’s a thesis? Oh hell let me do it.

I need a scalpel and some shoe polish- I got a turd that needs a shine.

Great news everyone! I found a Map!

Posted By on July 14, 2011

People keep asking me where I live, and I keep asking them “Whatchu talkin bout, Willis? or Willis?” and they stare at me funny.

So to clear up the confusion, I went digging and located an old map. It’s not very accurate and it’s out of date, but it shows the area.

  • The City of Willis is on the bluffs where the river meets the ocean- there’s a pretty waterfall there.
  • The Kingdom of Koss (sometime referred to as Willis) includes from the ocean as far south as Morten to the front gates of Felnt, up Woten’s Spine and over to Talbert,  then Titan and back to the ocean.

The Dwarves of Grunin, the Elves of Vine Ring Forest, the Gnomes of Felnt and Gibbershint, and the tribes beyond Talbert all claim independence, which Prince Tath is OK with.

(click the image to embiggenate it)

Willis Worldmap

Deleted Scene: Llama Hunting.

Posted By on July 9, 2011

Here’s a scene that Horace said I should cut out of my book- I still liked it, so I put it here.

It was nice to be on the road again, but I missed Q’al Tahn as soon as it was out of sight. As I walked, I watched a herd of strange critters cross the plains in the distance- that cheered me right up. Living in a city like Q’al Tahn made me lazy- chickens, pigs and sheep were kept and slaughtered, so meat was always available. With the exception of teaching Tun how to track bouncers, I hadn’t hunted in five or six months.

This would be a good opportunity to get back into the groove. I stepped off the road and into the tall, scratchy grass that covered the plains. The halflings called it sweet grass; In the summer they could harvest it and make a nice tea out of it. I appreciated it for another reason- it was high enough that I could slink without being seen.

As I moved closer, I was able to get a better look at my prey. I’d never seen creatures like them before. My target looked like a cross between a goat and a bouncer. He was almost as tall as me (just a bit under six foot at the time), but most of that height was from its long legs and lanky neck. His body was dumpy like a sheep, and covered with a straight, shaggy hair. His head looked a lot like a bouncer, with the same mouth and ears, but the rest of the head was covered in the same shaggy hair.

I moved ever closer, stopping to watch them and get a feel for their behavior. The herd was large- several hundred strong, and you could make out families within the group. They seemed to quarrel a lot, with the males making funny sounds, chest-butting each other, and smacking their necks at each other when sparring.

By far, the funniest behavior was the spitting. The males spit at each other; the females spit at each other; the females spit at the young; the males spit at the females. They had turned it into an art form. I hadn’t seen that much spitting since the cherry festival in Q’al Tahn.

I tracked the herd for most of the day, waiting for the sun to set. Without knowing how they would fight, I didn’t dare walk in and simply try to club one to death in broad daylight. I was smart enough to wait for the darkness. Most cuddled down in their family groups as the sun set. As soon as the last trace of red was gone from the sky, I moved in to attack. I must have started off too fast, because several heads popped up and bleated a sheep-like warning. I froze, waiting. Did they see me? hear? feel me walking? If they smelled me, they’d react immediately. Within a few minutes, the guards laid their heads down and went back to sleep.

I targeted one of the mid-sized critters near the edge of the herd. I was only 20 feet away when I tried to pounce, but it might as well have been a mile away. The guards sounded the alarm before I’d crossed half the distance, only this time the whole mass of shaggy, long-legged beasts leaped to their feet and fled in every direction.

I tried chasing a few down, but in the end there was no way I’d catch them- I ran out of steam long before they did. Bouncers were fast, but they were dimwitted- these creatures were fast and paranoid. This is what I got for living the easy life in Q’al Tahn- I had lost my hunter’s instinct. I was an embarrassment to my tribe.

I had to be more clever about this- I needed to sneak in quietly and break one’s neck before it got a chance to wake up. I let the herd wander off, letting them think they were safe. I moved in again, stalking them like a cat would a bird.

This time I was inches from the sleeping beast and had raised my club when the guards brayed like donkeys struck with a branding irons. My opponent’s eyes shot open, staring me in the face. He leaped to his feet, knocking me on my ass in the process, and bounded off off without me.

I knew I was out of practice, but this was shameful. I tried several more times throughout the night, some times getting close enough to strike, but the results was always the same- either I’d raise my arms too high and alert the guard, or I wouldn’t raise it high enough and just bruise it’s neck and wake it up. Fortunately for me they had a short attention span and didn’t remember the previous attacks.

Finally, the gnomish muse of hunting came to me- the solution was so simple, I couldn’t believe it hadn’t occurred to me earlier. I crept in close for a final attempt. The beast was snoring right in front of me when dove on top of it. I landed on it’s back and tried to pin it’s legs with my weight. That should have given me enough time to crush it’s neck at my leisure.

I hadn’t realized how strong it was. When it hopped straight up to it’s feet, I realized the flaw in my plan.  I spun, scrambling to catch hold, wrapping my arms around it’s neck. This time when it tried to flee, it took me with it.

I don’t know how long I held onto the kicking, screaming hellbeast as it bounced around the prairie, but it felt like an eternity. I was terrified at first, but once I figured out how to hold on, it was more fun than I could have imagined. It zig-zagged through the grass, flailing it’s neck from side, trying to shake me. It bounced up and down like an electrocuted cat, kicking and screaming the entire way, but I had already wrapped my legs around it’s body and held on for dear life. I didn’t dare reach for a weapon- the second my loosening grip, it would have shaken me loose and trampled me. The neck was too long for me to try a proper sleeper hold, so all I could do was hold on and wait for it to wear itself out.

After a while, I felt it starting to tire. My arms and legs were burning from exertion, but the goal was in sight- it was almost too weak to fight back. It hadn’t given up yet, it had just run out of energy. It’s cries slowed, then changed from a frightened ‘myah ah ah’ to a saddened ‘myaaah, myaaah’.

Figuring it was weak enough, I let go with one arm and reached for a club, falling for it’s bait. As soon as my hand was halfway to the club, the critter bucked with all its might, bouncing and freaking out harder than it had the entire time I had been riding it. Before I could realize how off-balance I was, my other arm started to slip.

Three bounces later, it bucked so hard my legs gave out and I careened through the air with all the grace of  a tossed hammer. I hit the ground hard, which knocked the wind out of me. The critter pranced back over and stomped on me, ensuring that I understood who had won. It spit on me for good measure before running away to join the pack.

From that point on, I decided, I would stick to sheep, rabbits, and bouncers if I saw them. Those critters were too much effort.

Controlling Undead Hoardes

Posted By on July 9, 2011

If you ever find an amulet, and the eyes glow when you rub it, just leave it alone.

amulet